Shedding the ‘Nice’ Image, 6 Steps to Becoming a Recovering People-Pleaser
6 Steps to Becoming a Recovering People-Pleaser and Being More Authentic
I was raised to be nice, and I bet you were too. It certainly makes life easier and more enjoyable if everyone is nice…but there’s a cost if this is the primary objective. We need to be taught strong boundaries, how to take care of ourselves first, and to throw niceness out the window if need be.
I want to continue to be nice, but authentically so while making sure that I am putting my needs first. When we prioritize others’ happiness, it can lead to burnout, resentment, anger, and even stress-induced pain in our bodies. People-pleasing may have started as a way to make childhood easier by pleasing parents, or a way to fit in and get others to like us as we became teens, but the truth is that this behavior can jeopardize our health and happiness.
In last week’s blog, I shared typical signs that you might be a people-pleaser. Today I am sharing strategies and resources so that you can now start the process of changing and not feel guilty about shedding the ‘nice girl’ or ‘nice guy’ image in favor of being authentic.
Go Within & Cultivate Awareness: Practice being reflective and listening inward to your gut. Take the pulse of your energy and notice the situations where you feel pulled to be nice and have others like you. Is it at work and you take on more because you want to be seen as valuable? During social situations? Pause and notice when you're about to agree to something you don't want to do, or are tempted to sweep something that bugs you under the rug. Does it feel that someone is asking too much? Do you really have the energy or interest? Are you bothered and worry about making waves? Listen to what your body and intuition are telling you as to what you need in that moment. Hone this skill of listening to your gut and how you feel through repetition.
Please Yourself First and Don’t Feel Guilty: Remember your why: people-pleasing doesn’t work. It leads to resentment, overwhelm, burnout and pain. It’s an act of fear that tries to control an outcome and leaves you in worse shape. When you take care of yourself, you have an overflow of peaceful energy for others and can better take care of your loved ones. You want to be authentic and have others like you for the real you - so choose what you need and want and speak your truth.
Gain Your Own Approval: Let go of needing other people’s approval and focus on what you are doing well and how you are growing as a person. What others think of you is none of your business!! You can’t really control it anyway, why kill yourself in the process? Work on loving yourself, gaining confidence through the brave action of being authentic, and allow yourself to feel good when you do good things. Appreciate all the parts of you, even your weird quirks. This way you’ll find the others in your tribe that share the same authenticity. Get in the habit of (to-yourself or a trusted friend) acknowledging when you’ve done something well. Treat yourself with the same empathy, kindness and understanding you would offer to a friend and celebrate your wins. Challenge thoughts like "I have to make everyone happy" or "I'm not happy or valuable unless I'm helping others." Your worth is not dependent on others' approval, you are worthy as you are. Remind yourself that true fulfillment comes from living an authentic life, aligned with your values and passions.
Set Boundaries Through Values: Learn what defines a yes for you and then conversely, a no. What are the top values or priorities that you stand for? It can’t be everything - I recommend picking 3. Mine are love/connection, joy and giving back. If something falls outside of that, it gives me the confidence to say no. Practice saying no so that it becomes easier. In a pinch, have your answer be that you will ‘think on it and get back to them’. That gives you time to process, rehearse your answer and even let them down easier by directing them to someone else who might be able to help. Learning to say no is a powerful act of self-preservation and you can still do this with kindness and a smile! S et boundaries around your time, energy, and resources as these are your most valuable things!
Be OK with Disappointing Others: Understand that it's okay to prioritize your own needs and desires, even if it means disappointing others. They will be fine. And remember, saying no to others or speaking your truth means saying yes to yourself. Express your thoughts, feelings, and boundaries clearly and respectfully without apologizing excessively. Be ok with an uncomfortable pause. You’ll get through it. Honoring what you need and saying no might feel awkward and difficult, but it will get easier! Lean into this especially if you’re an empath and remind yourself that others’ have their own path. It’s not your job or even what’s best to fix things for others. Their pain is not your pain.
Find Your Tribe & Support: Cultivate a friend/peer group, relationships or support person that value authenticity and support you in listening to your intuition, creating your own boundaries and honoring what you need. Share your goals and have an open dialogue about learning to go within to asses your wants/needs and what’s important for you so that they can support you. The more real you are, the easier it will be to find your people.
These 6 steps will create a remarkable change, but give it time and be compassionate with yourself while you work through them. People-pleasing is a learned behavior that can be changed, but there may be bumps in the road. The growth and freedom is worth it though! If you’d like more support, I would love to talk to you about this. For further reading, I love these:
Dr. Aziz Gazipura: With his book "Not Nice: Stop People-Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty... And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself," Dr. Gazipura provides practical tools and strategies for overcoming people-pleasing habits and building genuine confidence. He also has a great website with resources.
Mark Manson: Author of "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck," Manson's unconventional approach encourages readers to prioritize values and accept discomfort, rather than constantly seeking external validation. He also has a website with more resources and books.
Harriet Braiker: A clinical psychologist and author of "The Disease to Please," Braiker explores the roots of people-pleasing behavior and provides practical strategies in her work of breaking free from the cycle of approval-seeking.
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