High School Superlatives: The Results Are In! (The Dangers of People-Pleasing)
It was 1993 and almost the end of my senior year in high school. It was time for finishing up the yearbook and choosing Superlatives, a time when you wonder if you’re made an impact and if you stand out, if you’ll be remembered. I certainly wasn’t popular, the prettiest, the smartest, or the funniest…but I was psyched that I did earn one! “Friendliest” It felt good at the time because people thought I was nice, and nice was good, right?! But as you’re probably deducing, some of those people did not deserve my kindness. They were rude, bullied me and purposely embarrassed me…and yet, I was nice to everyone.
(Don’t worry if you laugh at my hair, it was the early 90’s. We all looked like this!)
Years later, I can see that this friendly, people-pleasing demeanor was actually an act of fear. Often in a friendship, relationship, or work environment, this warmth and pleasing strategy would later result in a fiery explosion because I would sweep problems under the proverbial rug, and build resentment at them for not understanding and taking care of my needs and wants. They didn’t see mine because they weren’t psychic (I sure as heck wasn’t telling them) and things would finally crumble because the situation was so imbalanced.
So many of us do this and it can lead to a plethora of consequences, including burnout and overwhelm. It certainly was a huge factor in what I’ve gone through. People-pleasing, also known as "approval-seeking" is a behavior pattern where individuals prioritize meeting the perceived expectations and desires of others over their own needs and desires. See if any of the following hits home. People-pleasers typically exhibit certain common traits, such as:
Overcommitting & Difficulty Saying No: Do you agree to take on more tasks or responsibilities than you can realistically handle because you find it difficult to say no?
Difficulty Setting Boundaries: Do you sometimes struggle to assertively communicate your own needs, desires, or limits? (This can lead to a tendency to be taken advantage of or to feel overwhelmed by others' demands.)
Avoidance of Conflict: Do you go to great lengths to avoid confrontation or disagreement, even at the expense of your own well-being?
Excessive Apologizing: Do you frequently apologize, even when you’re not at fault, to avoid displeasing or upsetting others?
Seeking External Validation: Do you rely heavily on external validation and approval from others to feel worthy or adequate, rather than cultivating self-validation?
Putting Others' Needs First: Do you consistently prioritize others' needs, desires, or preferences over your own, often neglecting self-care in the process? Do you frequently sacrifice your own happiness or goals to accommodate others, believing that your worth is contingent upon making others happy?
Fear of Rejection: Do you have an intense fear of rejection, criticism, or disapproval, which drives you to prioritize avoiding these negative outcomes over expressing your true thoughts or feelings?
Feeling Exhausted or Resentful: Do you experience feelings of exhaustion, resentment, or overwhelm due to the constant pressure to meet others' expectations or maintain a facade of perfection?
These signs can vary in intensity from person to person, and individuals may exhibit some or all of these behaviors to different degrees. It's essential to recognize that while people-pleasing behaviors may stem from a desire for connection, acceptance, or avoiding conflict that started in childhood, they can ultimately lead to feelings of dissatisfaction, resentment, a loss of authenticity, high-functioning depression and ultimately burnout.
Overcoming people-pleasing involves cultivating self-awareness, learning to set healthy boundaries, practicing assertive communication, and prioritizing self-care and self-compassion. It requires challenging deep-rooted beliefs about self-worth and redefining success and validation on one's own terms. Therapy, counseling, or life coaching can be valuable resources in addressing and shifting people-pleasing tendencies toward a more authentic and fulfilling way of living.
This is why I am so passionate about all of us finding happiness. Many of us have been focused on others being happy and it’s our turn. I continue to work on this within myself, and I seem to attract clients that have struggled with this. I understand these patterns because I’ve been there, I have such empathy and I know the way out. It feels incredible to see a shift happening in them!
Next week’s blog post delves more into the ‘how’ so that we can get past this!
If you know of someone that might benefit from this post, please forward this on.